dysfunksjonell.no
17Jan/110

Is that a light I see?

I had a quite nice experience yesterday. I started talking with a relatively new friend of mine (she's in a similar situation to mine), and she wanted to know how I was. I told her honestly that I've been feeling like crap for a long time now, and that it seems like I've developed - I don't know what the correct term is - a depression, anxiety and the panic attack. Turns out she knew exactly what I was talking about, and we spent some time discussing the topic. She showed me a text she'd written a few years ago when she was where I am now, and reading it gave me goosebumps. It was so accurate, so.. me. It could very well had been my text, my words, my thoughts. In some weird way that was a tremendous comfort to me, really understanding that I'm not the only one experiencing this. She had experienced exactly the same. She had the very same thoughts, the very same fears, when she was where I am now. She told me to not be afraid, to keep in mind that I'm not sick, and be open about it.

Suddenly I feel like this is something I can conquer. Maybe not tomorrow, but I will succeed. Now I'm going to focus on the good things in life, take my.. allergy pills, concentrate on breathing correctly, and start planning fun stuff for the year to come. I do have a lot of things to look forward to now, and I'm pretty sure they will help take my mind of the issues which are making me feel down. I feel like life might just be looking up a bit!

13Jan/110

Changing the Strategy

As I briefly mentioned in a comment to some of my lovely readers of my last post, I experienced a quite terrifying panic attack this Tuesday. I don't know if it actually was a panic attack since I've never experienced one previous to this one, but everyone else seem to think it was a panic attack - and after reading about it on Wikipedia several pieces of my complex puzzle just magically fell into place. The attack itself felt horrible. I would describe it like I could feel my heart changing gears - like on a car - several times, before it raced away. I freaked out, had to lay down, and about 30 minutes later I started feeling better even though I was completely exhausted from the whole experience. My doctor immediately prescribed some allergy pills meant to have a calming effect on anxiety and such, and I've been OK since I started taking them. It's a very small dosage, and they are not addictive. It's only been two days, so it's really too early to say anything about how they are working, but so far they seem to have a good effect on me. Unfortunately they also make me feel like my brain is slowly melting away - I actually needed three tries to successfully type the word "prescribed" - and I'm feeling immensely tired for several hours after taking one pill.

I don't know when I'll get scheduled for my first appointment with a psychologist, but I'm actually looking forward to it. I think it might be helpful to share my thoughts with someone who doesn't know me, to get an objective opinion of things, a different view maybe. I was told it could take a few weeks. As I'm writing this I'm actually feeling a tad more positive, imagine that! I'll do my best to rapidly update my diary on what's going on, if not for everyone else then for myself, it might just be pulling me in the right direction.