dysfunksjonell.no
19Jun/141

Om det å ha angst

30Oct/134

Jakten på de perfekte assistentene

Jeg har havnet litt bakpå med bloggingen min, rett og slett fordi jeg har hatt så hinsides vondt i hodet de siste.. to ukene. Jeg regner med at det er stressrelatert siden det skjer ganske mye for tiden, og angsten vil ikke la meg være i fred. Atarax er ingen løsning, så den ligger urørt i en skuff.

De siste ukene har i grunn gått med til å lese gjennom søknader, plukke ut potensielle kandidater for assistentstillingene mine, avholde intervjuer og bestemme hvem som skal få sjansen til å bli en del av assistentgjengen min. Det er utrolig krevende, men samtidig litt spennende og litt skummelt. Jeg er jo kanskje litt i overkant sosial, så akkurat det er ikke noe stort problem, men det er vanskelig.. av mangel på bedre ord, å skulle stole på nye, fremmede mennesker som skal bli en såpass stor del av livet mitt. Ikke bare må kjemien stemme, de må også ha egenskapene jeg ser etter og være mennesker jeg har lyst til være sammen med, og finne på ting med. Inni hodet mitt må det dessuten være mennesker som faktisk er i stand til, og kanskje viktigst av alt.. vil være der for meg om det virkelig trengs og jeg ikke har noen andre løsninger - jeg kan jo ikke være alene. Omveltningen er stor, og det er slett ikke hver dag jeg tror det er overkommelig engang, men etter å ha hatt noen intervjuer har jeg innsett at det finnes flotte mennesker der ute - og så lenge jeg klarer å stole på magefølelsen, så bør dette egentlig gå kjempebra.

Jeg gleder meg ikke så veldig til de kommende ukene, for nå er tiden inne for å starte opplæringen av de nye assistentene, men det er bare sånn det må være. Jeg skulle virkelig ønske at det gikk an å knipse i fingrene, så ville alle være inne i rutinene på magisk vis, og alt ville gå av seg selv. MEN.. for å fokusere på det positive; jeg tror det blir veldig bra, og i mellomtiden skal jeg fylle dagene mine med ting jeg kan leve på til vinteren er over, og vi går mot lysere tider igjen.

14Jun/1113

The MRI results are in..

I was supposed to do another update on my health yesterday, but everything fell to pieces before I even had the chance to start typing. On Thursday I received the results from the MRI I had on May 18th, and I started reading about it on Wikipedia to understand more. It really didn't take long before I was so scared I decided to just close the browser and find something else to do instead. A few hours later I had what I believe was an anxiety attack. I say 'believe', because I honestly don't know how to tell whether it's anxiety or something completely different. I had just finished my dinner when I started feeling sick. My hands grew cold, I was sweating in my palms, my heart was pounding and the heart rate increased with about 20-30 beats per minutes. I was feeling stressed out, generally ill and this strange uneasy feeling was just flushing through me in waves. I have no idea how to explain it. Luckily I had no problems breathing, and I wasn't really feeling dizzy - maybe just a little bit, and it peaked quite quickly. I had to sit in the fresh air from the open porch door for a while, and then I decided to take an Atarax to see if it would do me any good. About 30 minutes later it kicked in, and everything went back to normal.. or I kept feeling uneasy the rest of the evening, and I almost didn't sleep, but today's been OK.

You might wonder what my results said? Traces of an infarction or blood clot in the right part of my cerebellum. It might seem like I'm a very lucky woman girl. I don't have any more details as of now because my neurologist on temporary leave, but I'll do another update as soon as I know more. In the meantime I'm on medication, feeling sorry for myself, trying to think about something completely different.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Isn't that the way the saying goes?

17Jan/114

Is that a light I see?

I had a quite nice experience yesterday. I started talking with a relatively new friend of mine (she's in a similar situation to mine), and she wanted to know how I was. I told her honestly that I've been feeling like crap for a long time now, and that it seems like I've developed - I don't know what the correct term is - a depression, anxiety and the panic attack. Turns out she knew exactly what I was talking about, and we spent some time discussing the topic. She showed me a text she'd written a few years ago when she was where I am now, and reading it gave me goosebumps. It was so accurate, so.. me. It could very well had been my text, my words, my thoughts. In some weird way that was a tremendous comfort to me, really understanding that I'm not the only one experiencing this. She had experienced exactly the same. She had the very same thoughts, the very same fears, when she was where I am now. She told me to not be afraid, to keep in mind that I'm not sick, and be open about it.

Suddenly I feel like this is something I can conquer. Maybe not tomorrow, but I will succeed. Now I'm going to focus on the good things in life, take my.. allergy pills, concentrate on breathing correctly, and start planning fun stuff for the year to come. I do have a lot of things to look forward to now, and I'm pretty sure they will help take my mind of the issues which are making me feel down. I feel like life might just be looking up a bit!