12th word: “Planning”

See, this is going just great! Who am I kidding? Planning to do something really isn't working out for me. Days are racing by and I'm getting more and more stressed out every minute. Why, you ask? Well, my holiday trip to Ireland is coming up very soon, and there's like a million things to fix before leaving. At least I got paid yesterday, so I won't be traveling like a hobo like I was afraid I might have to.

To be completely honest, I don't really remember what I did yesterday. I don't think I did anything special really. I mainly spend my days planning for the trip, trying not to forget anything crucial. I have also pulled up my Google Maps and started planning what else I would like to do, experience, taste or try when back in Dublin. We all know it'll be a couple of tipples at least!

Oh! The "annual" checkup, that's right. I totally forgot. It went very well actually. Or at least as good as it could without drawing blood from my artery. Yeah, no. That ain't happening. Apparently my lungs have decided to just... stay stable, so there was no worsening, which I'm quite happy about. They are planning to admit me in Feb to do a full workup, so I'll have more details after that.


5th word: “Anxious”

I had a stressful day yesterday. One of the worst kinds. You know, the one where you have no idea why you are anxious? You just are? I'm guessing it's related to money and it's stressing me out.

I'm also going to the hospital tomorrow to have my "annual" checkup, and it's making me anxious as hell to know that I have to venture into the kingdom of all diseases to have this done. I cannot for the life of me understand the logic behind scheduling the appointment at the worst possible time of year, when the flu has started digging its horrible claws into everyone around me, when these doctors should be trained enough to know that the flu can very well kill me? So anyway, the uncertainty is making me anxious, and I'm not fun to be around when I'm anxious.

Oh, did I mention the flu? It's coming. Preventing me from going to concerts and such. And my situation is causing my anxiety to return. I hate this time of year.


4th word: “Lights”

Okay, so it's December 4th and I've just come up with this idea. I started thinking about the "adjektivkalender" I had going for a few years, and I kinda miss doing it. I don't have anyone to feed me words or adjectives through December, so I thought I'd just pick a word to represent the previous day. For yesterday the word would have to be "lights", so that'll be the word of today. Let's try to keep this up, shall we?

So why "lights"? Well, I have been "remodeling" ever so slightly at home, trying to come up with a better solution for my whisky collection (it's not a collection per say, I just have a fair amount of bottles going on). I ended up with a Hemnes from IKEA, and we all know how much I hate IKEA, and I wanted to install lights inside of it for decoration, as I love lights and because it'll be easier to choose a bottle whenever I'm in need of a tipple. I ventured into an eletrical shop... and fell madly, deeply in love with the Philips Hue. Not only is it potentially multi-colored, it can also be controlled via an app. I mean, how cool isn't that? And since I'm one of these people who are prone to depression during these dark times of year, I can never get enough lights, right?

Sad thing is I want them everywhere now. Lights! Give me more lights!



So I talked to FLETCH today. I met Paige in Dublin earlier this year, and she immediately caught my attention. I saw her as a, you know, confident, straightforward, a little drunk and quite charming girl with a special gleam in her eye. Just the kind of person I usually click with. She came over to say hi, we ended up adding each other on Facebook, and every time we talk I'm left smiling. Anyway. I talked to her today, and she said a few things that made me decide to start writing in English again. I don't think I have many readers left anyway, so why not? And please don't think that my lousy blogger English is representable of my actual English skills, it's just that my mind is all over the place when I write for myself. Oh God, I'm doing it again.

She wrote a blog post about depression, and her post hit me straight in my heart because what do I have to be depressed about? I feel the same way, you know, which is why I slowly stopped writing. I found myself constantly censoring myself without really knowing why, I still don't, I just felt like I couldn't post my thoughts and still expect to be looked upon as... I don't know, a sane person? And hell, why should I care how people see me as long as I'm happy with who I am? Geez, I think this single business is getting to me. Like I told Paige, I feel like I'm split down the middle, like I'm two different people, always arguing with myself. Sense versus emotions. I don't know. Anyway, the joy of writing slowly faded away and left me with superficial posts about things I don't really care about. Instead of pouring my heart onto the screen like I intended to, like I used to, as some weird form of therapy... I ended up not writing anything, just bottling everything up inside. It's not healthy, you know.

As I said, her text hit me hard. Because I knew exactly what she meant. If I'm being completely honest I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from some kind of depression, and have been for a very long time. Some days I'm able to hide it. Other days it feels like my life is crashing down around me. Some days I just cry. Others I don't want to exist anymore, I just wanna be gone. And Paige found the key that I've lost, she's doing stuff for herself, to make herself happy. I'm not anymore. I care too much about others, and it's slowing killing me on the inside.

So thank you, Paige, for being a friend and for being the awesome person that you are.