Ambivalent much?

♫ now listening to: Big & Rich - Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)

I kinda composed this post a while ago, on November 15th to be exact, but it's still quite relevant to how I feel. Not that I'm not content, because I am, I'm doing so much more than just two years ago and I'm happy, but there's still those inevitable bumps in the road. And they keep throwing me off balance.

It's Thursday and I can't seem to hold a thought in my head for more than a few seconds at a time. It's confusing. And frustrating. I spend all of my week wishing for the weekend to come so I can go out, but then something happens. Like an assistant getting sick. Or three. At the same time. Makes it really hard to stay difficult when shit like that happens. I could have been going out tonight, but what do you know, circumstances wanted me to stay at home instead, just.. glaring at the walls. #1stworldproblems

Maybe I should change my name. Or just add Ā«AmbivalentĀ» as my middle name. I'm so sick of myself, my thoughts, my life. I might be a drama queen as I type up this post, mostly because I'm quite content with my life at the moment, I'm just experiencing a few bumps in the road. I'm still quite sick of being dependent. Having to have someone else there to be able to do.. well, anything really. So now, when I'm having several assistants on sick leave, everything breaks down and I'm unable to do the things I want to do. It bloody sucks, and it fucks up any chance of establishing a social life. Because who am I? Oh, I'm the girl who has to cancel just about everything planned because I never know when I'm able to actually keep my plans.

My situation has improved a bit since I wrote these words, and some things have sorted themselves out, making my life a bit more.. predictable. On one hand it kinda makes me sad, on the other hand it leaves me room to breathe again. Heaven knows I'm able to deal with the fact that I have to stay home every once in a while due to unforeseen circumstances, but it's just hard to handle that these circumstances a little too often are caused by situations non-relevant to myself. Does it even make sense to others? I have no idea. Really.

Posted by Shamini on November 27, 2015 – 4:45 PM

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