dysfunksjonell.no
13Mar/120

Who am I really? A glimpse..

When I wrote my last post, the one about which foundation to choose, I wrote about my limited arm strength, and I started thinking. Maybe I should write about myself and my life again? Rant a little about my situation, my everyday life? I would love for my blog to become more personal again, like it used to be. At the same time I'm scared to write too much about myself. I have this silly notion that if I write about something, it becomes real. That if I write about my limitations, they become real. Who am I kidding? It's very much real. It's been since I was a little girl. It's not like I've ever let my limitations rule my life, so I have no idea what I'm really scared of. I'm a complex person, remember? Depending on how long you've been following me online, you might know that I started pouring my heart out on the Internet to calm the storm inside my head, and sometimes my heart. It did wonders for me, and I kinda just stuck around. My diary evolved into a blog, and became what we norwegians like to call; en "rosablogg" (a 'pink blog', referring to a blog about makeup and fashion, typically written by a (blonde) teenage girl). I'm ashamed. I really am. Not about blogging or writing about makeup - I'm not going to apologize for having this passion - but for letting my diary become so ..impersonal.

Which is why I have decided to give you a glimpse into my life.

Anyway, I digress. I guess a lot of the things I write about seem weird or illogical to people who don't know me personally, like.. why do I buy all this makeup, post pictures and talk about product, but hardly ever swatch them? Why don't I ever do makeup looks when I have all the makeup a girl could wish for? Why do I seem overly enthusiastic (and somewhat proud) when I write about accomplishing some minuscule task, like doing my eyebrows? Why? Because I have to muster up quite a lot of (physical) strength to be able to do things you might find ridiculously easy, maybe even so easy that you don't even think about doing it, you just do. And it's OK. I'm not sharing this because I'm looking for sympathy or anything of the likes, I just figured I'd explain.

There's nothing I would want more than spamming my blog with gorgeous swatches of every little makeup piece I've accumulated over the last.. what, three years, but that would mean asking for help, or possibly swatching someone else's arm. Why not my arm? Well, I could, but I'm quite self-conscious about the way I look. I've been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember, and when you sit on your behind for years and years without any possibility to workout, your muscles kinda deteriorate into nothing. When this happens two things can occur: you either become thin as a stick, or you become too heavy. I turned into a stick, and I don't really like being a stick, which is why I prefer to keep my stick arm off my blog. And to be honest, there's not much space for swatches either. Simple as that. Apart from the stick part I also have tattoos, which makes it even harder to swatch anything.

I don't particularly like being self-conscious as I know it's really ridiculous, so I'm constantly trying to break barriers. Not so long ago I'd refuse to wear anything with short sleeves among other people, even during summer. I was convinced everyone was staring at me, whispering behind my back about how sickly I looked. I would always wear trousers, never shorts or skirts, never dresses, and I would be sad about it when no one could see me. Then I grew older, and with age and maturity came reason, logic and the ability to give a fuck. Somewhere along the line I just stopped caring. I came to terms with the person I am, and the fact that I'm unable to change anything physical anyway. I still haven't grown accustomed to the thought of posting photos of the stick arm with swatches, but I might get there. Eventually. Frustrating? Hell yes, but I know some of you can relate.

And asking for help. I'm quite stubborn. With a personality telling me that if I want something done, I have to do it myself. Without help. It's a tricky situation when you have a physical handicap, and need help to accomplish just about everything on a daily basis. When I want to do my makeup, full face, this is how it would go down: I'd have to ask someone to bring me everything I'm planning to use for my look, I would have to ask someone to shake my foundation, open most containers and put everything on a table within my reach. If I'm wearing a foundation I would have to ask someone to apply it to my face, because I'm unable to lift my arms high enough to cover my forehead, and depending on the foundation I'm unable to work it quickly enough into my skin. If I choose to wear a bronzer to warm up my face a little, I'd have to ask someone to apply it to my forehead and temples for the same reason as already explained. When all these steps are covered, well, then I'm ready to do the rest on my own. After finishing my makeup I'd have to ask someone to apply a powder to my face, or maybe spray me with a setting spray (don't have the strength to work a pump either), before reaching me a couple of tissues and a brush cleaner. If it's time to deep clean my brushes, then I'd have to ask someone to do it for me - while supervising, of course. Should I happen to love the finished look enough to want to share it with the world - that would be you, I'd have to ask someone to rig my studio lights and take my picture. Or forty pictures, to find the one shot I'm sufficiently pleased with. Being critical by nature really doesn't help either. It takes a lot of effort, the whole ordeal. And it often discourages me.

So there you have it.
There's not much more to say really.
A glimpse into my life.

Posted by Shamini on March 13, 2012 – 12:00 PM

Comments (0) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Veldig bra skrevet, Shamini! Det er lettere å skrive en “rosablogg” enn en personlig blogg, jeg merker jo det selv!
    Takk for at du deler dette med oss Smile

  2. Fin post Shamini.
    Fint å lese om deg og hvordan du har det. Gjøremål og hverdager som vi tar for gitt, er ikke like lett for alle. Det er viktig å sette pris på det.
    Jeg skulle gjerne kommet og hjulpet deg med sminkerutinen din hvis jeg hadde bodd litt nærmere. Kostevask derimot… da er det fint med snille kjærester Wink

  3. Jeg faktisk ment å spørre deg om du kunne skrive noe slikt som dette, men slo det fra meg fordi jeg syns kanksje det var litt frekt (?) å spørre om noe slikt!
    Skjønner at det er ett helt ork å sminke seg + ta bilder. Som Line sier, det er nok ting vi tar for gitt.
    Syns det var veldig fint å lese om hverdagen din, kom gjerne med mer personlige innlegg, byr ikke meg imot værtfall Smile

    Klem <3

  4. While I read this blog post of yours, I had thousand thoughts in my head – but I can’t get any of those down here in the comment field. I’ve been wanting to read about YOU for a while and this…. well, like I said. I have no idea about what to say. I appreciate that you wrote it. I appreciate that you opened yourself up.

    I hope to see more of these personal posts in the future. I would know to know more about your thoughts!

    I like you, Shamini Smile

  5. Så bra skrevet Smile

    Vi har alle vårt; på noen vises det bedre utenpå enn andre men utfordringen er alikevel der. For min del har vekten vært et problem helt til noen år tilbake (la meg si det sånn, vi tenkte samme tanker mtp klær men av forskjellig årsak). Jeg har et familiemedlem med et godt synlig handicap og jeg har sett utfordringene på nært hold :S

    Synes du får til en passelig blanding av “litt av hvert” her i bloggen og er stadig vekk innom for å lese nye poster Smile

  6. Jenta mi <3 Vi har jo snakket litt om dette sånn oss i mellom, og jeg vil bare si at jeg har så utrolig stor respekt for at du åpner deg opp på denne måten! Jeg er så utrolig glad for å ha møtt deg, og vennskapet vårt betyr mye for meg. Vit at du aldri må være redd for å spørre om noe som helst, jeg er her søta Smile I mine øyne er du helt fantastisk <3

    Har en stund vurdert å skrive litt om min sykdom, men syns det er så vanskelig. Skulle vært like tøff som deg!

    <3

  7. Very well written. I was uncertain whether to write this in English or in Swedish but I chose English Smile
    Anyway.. I know you said you didn´t write the things you wrote above to get sympathy but I just need to tell you this:
    * You are such a beautiful woman. I have worked with people that have special needs and several of them have been in wheelchairs. I honestly have to admit that YOU and the people that Ive worked with are people that I look up to A LOT! You always seem so happy, strong and you always seem to have a smile on your lips. I know that no person can be happy 24/7 but I honestly find strength from you. The most wonderful people I have worked with are people that have special needs… You are beautiful inside and out and I love reading your blog. For me it doesn´t matter that you don´t do makeup looks or show swatches.. I love coming back here to see what youve bought etc… YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!
    Hugs

  8. Who am I really? Du er KinoGodt.. Wink

  9. Thank you, sweetie, for writing such an open post – it was a very interesting read. It’s not easy for anyone to imagine being in someone elses’ shoes, no matter the situation – and you wrote this post so eloquently, I think you invited all of us into your personal sphere. You rock!

    Reading about the whole process you have to go through just to apply your makeup makes me appreciate all the little things I’m able to do, and gave me a little kick in the behind to do just that Smile

    Thank you!

  10. I would love to respond to each and every one of your comments, but I honestly don’t know where to begin or even what to say. I never expected this kind of feedback, nor did I expect to end up all teary-eyed from reading all your beautiful words. Thank you all so much! I know I say this a lot, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart every single time: it means the world to me, and I’m forever grateful for having readers and friends like you.

    I don’t believe that my problems are bigger than anyone else’s problems, we all have to struggle with the things we do indeed struggle with, and I don’t believe in comparing hardships. I just felt the need to explain why things are like they are, and I’m quite overwhelmed by all of your reactions to my post – in a good way! I’ll keep all of your comments close to my heart, and I wish I could hug each and everyone of you guys.

    I will be responding to each comment, I just wanted you to know how grateful I am, and how much your words really mean to me. Thank you all so much. <3

  11. Jeg velger å svare på innlegget her heller enn Twitter, grunnet grensen på 140 karakterer Smile Det var et veldig velformulert innlegg, og jeg kjente igjen den jenta og den bloggstilen jeg en gang ble kjent med – et godt gjensyn var det!

    Jeg skjønner hvorfor du ser på disse utfordringene som et slags hinder. Men kanskje du kan prøve å snu det om til noe negativt. Du har mottatt mye respekt fra før i sammenheng med at du har dine utfordringer i livet men går likevel fremover med mot i hjertet. Du går rett og slett foran som et godt eksempel for andre i din situasjon. Kanskje du bør prøve å se det fra den siden i denne sammenheng også.

    Ja, du hadde sikkert måttet be andre hjelpe deg. Du hadde sikkert måttet be dem finne frem alt du skal bruke, og be dem hjelpe deg med det forberedende arbeidet. Men det hadde likevel vært deg som tok styringa. Du hadde likevel hatt kontrollen. Og du hadde vist nok en gang at du ikke lar livets utfordringer hindre deg i å gjøre ting du virkelig ønsker å gjøre. Det hadde vært andre sine hender, men likevel ditt design, om en kan si det på den måten.

    Bare en tanke Smile Godt skrevet i hvert fall!

  12. Et flott innlegg, som du formulerer så bra. Det er ikke lett for meg å se for meg hvilke utfordringer du har hatt og fortsatt har. Jeg synes det er fantastisk at du er såpass åpen om det, og det sier mye om hvor tøff du er. Jeg håper jeg en dag får møtt deg, for en såpass fantastisk flott person skulle jeg gjerne likt å hatt som venninne. *klem*

  13. Dette var veldig bra skrevet. Nå skjønner vi litt mer av ditt liv og dine utfordringer i hverdagen. Å lese dette gav også en liten tankevekker om at vi ikke bør ta ting for gitt. Som Line sier, hadde jeg boddd nærmere hadde jeg gjerne hjulpet deg med sminkenrutinen din. Det hadde berre vert koselig for da hadde jeg endelig fått møtt deg ógSmile

    Du er fantatisk, Shamini!<3

    Stor klem<3


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