Sometimes I wish..

Exactly as I predicted. I'm almost well again, after more than two weeks of coughing and feeling half dead, and naturally the weather is changing. It's getting colder, and it's really not as tempting to go outside as it was last week. As if that's not bad enough, it's gonna rain tomorrow as well. Anyway, my dad is back here visiting us, and helping out since most of my assistants have "gone missing". You wouldn't imagine how difficult it can be to live my life when those hired to help me doing just that keep bailing on me. Luckily I have two people in my life that I always can count on, unless something unforeseen happens, and next week I'm gonna start a new round of interviewing people.

The thing is that I'm dependent on my personal assistants to be able to do all the things most people take for granted. My handicap is all physical, and due to the fact that my central nervous system was damaged many years ago my muscles are week. I can do small stuff for myself, like brush my teeth, eat my food, write by hand, use the computer, put makeup on, and so forth.. but when it comes to the bigger things I need help. For the most part it's no problem at all to be dependent on others, but sometimes it's an extremely difficult situation to cope with. The hiring process is strenuous, because I know that people always try to show themselves from their best sides when they're being interviewed, and it's hard to read a person thoroughly after one single meeting. So I have to try the ones I think fit the best, and suddenly it turns out that I misjudged him or her, and then I have to start all over again. Sounds easy enough, huh? Well, I'll tell you that it can be very frustrating. Chemistry is one of the main parts of a job like this, and I have to spend some time with another person to discover whether or not the chemistry is good or bad. Perhaps it's just me, but I'm having a really hard time opening up to total strangers, letting them into my life, showing them all my weaknesses. I hate being weak, and I hate to stand out as someone helpless.

SpiderwebUnfortunately I am dependent of other people, and unfortunately I need them in my life. Every day of the week, every week of the year. It's hard to be locked in a weak body, when my mind is strong and independent! When August comes we, Øyvind and I, are going back to school and I need assistants I can depend on to be able to complete school. And this time I'm going to finish school with flying colors. To do that I need assistants that will arrive at work in a timely manner, when they are supposed to. I don't need assistants who will make my life even harder by disrespecting me or their job, or by not showing up for work at all. To prevent damage to the others I usually try to take most of the fall myself, postponing or canceling things I had planned, just to make it easier. I also hate how my sweet Øyvind has to step in every time something prevents one of the others from coming to work, even though he says I shouldn't worry about it. It's wearing me out, making me susceptible to sickness, and one day I'm bound to crash. Maybe that's what happened just now, what made me sick.

My life is a web of fine threads connected to each other, and as soon as one breaks it affects the others.

Posted by Shamini on July 7, 2009 – 7:51 PM

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  1. I don’t know what to say. But I really love you for who you are, and I’m so happy that you are a part of my life, even though you live some miles away. If there is anything I can do, let me know. Smile

  2. Svarer på Norsk jeg, ikke bare fordi jeg ikke orker skrive engelsk, men også litt fordi jeg bare har norsk ordbok i Firefox, og jeg blir litt stresset av alle de røde strekene om jeg skriver engelsk Wink

    Det var en veldig bra blogg i dag, følte at den ga innsikt i hvordan du egentlig har det. Ser gjerne at du skriver flere slike, da det er veldig hjelpsomt for oss som er langt borte og ikke vet hvordan du egentlig har det.

    Skjønner hva du mener når du sier at du ikke vil vise svakheten din til andre mennesker, det er noe jeg også kjenner til, men du må ikke tro at du er svak, du er en av de sterkeste menneskene jeg kjenner.

    Du er heldig som har funnet en så fantastisk person som Øyvind.

    Glad i deg vennen Smile

  3. I know exactly how you are feeling.
    Just a friendly advice. As much as possible, keep your boyfriend away from helping you with “basic” needs.
    Over time it kills romance, no matter how much he says don’t worry!
    I know it’s hard to get assistants, but this is very important.
    In fact it is better to use a good friend in stead.

  4. Licota:
    Thank you sweetheart, that means a lot to me. I’m also glad that you are my “sister-in-law”, I couldn’t have dreamed of better “in-laws” than you and your family.

    Jeg vet ikke helt hva jeg skal svare, jeg. Takk for snille ord, vit at jeg setter veldig pris på det. Jeg vet ikke hvorfor, men jeg liker egentlig ikke skrive sånne innlegg som dette, kanskje nettopp fordi det gjør meg “svak” (iallfall i mitt eget hode). Likevel ble dagboka mi til nettopp for å hindre at frustrasjonen tar overhånd når hinderne blir for høye, så det beste jeg kan gjøre er nettopp å skrive.

    Jeg er glad i deg også!

    You do? When in my situation, needing help for every necessity in life, it’s impossible to keep my boyfriend fully away from helping me. I don’t think I would have been able to have a relationship at all if I was to live with a third person in the room at all times. Yes, it’s hard to get assistants, but it’s even harder to live without any kind of privacy. But of course, I know what you’re saying, I’ve got experience from before. I’m working towards getting enough, and good enough, assistants to be able to live my life as I want to – keeping my boyfriend as my companion and partner in life. I have to say though, if it hadn’t been for him and all that he did for me in the beginning, my future would have been in an institution together with old, and mentally challenged people – and that is no joke.

    I owe him a lot, and I love him with all my heart.

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