dysfunksjonell.no
5Dec/180

5th word: “Anxious”

I had a stressful day yesterday. One of the worst kinds. You know, the one where you have no idea why you are anxious? You just are? I'm guessing it's related to money and it's stressing me out.

I'm also going to the hospital tomorrow to have my "annual" checkup, and it's making me anxious as hell to know that I have to venture into the kingdom of all diseases to have this done. I cannot for the life of me understand the logic behind scheduling the appointment at the worst possible time of year, when the flu has started digging its horrible claws into everyone around me, when these doctors should be trained enough to know that the flu can very well kill me? So anyway, the uncertainty is making me anxious, and I'm not fun to be around when I'm anxious.

Oh, did I mention the flu? It's coming. Preventing me from going to concerts and such. And my situation is causing my anxiety to return. I hate this time of year.

4Dec/180

4th word: “Lights”

Okay, so it's December 4th and I've just come up with this idea. I started thinking about the "adjektivkalender" I had going for a few years, and I kinda miss doing it. I don't have anyone to feed me words or adjectives through December, so I thought I'd just pick a word to represent the previous day. For yesterday the word would have to be "lights", so that'll be the word of today. Let's try to keep this up, shall we?

So why "lights"? Well, I have been "remodeling" ever so slightly at home, trying to come up with a better solution for my whisky collection (it's not a collection per say, I just have a fair amount of bottles going on). I ended up with a Hemnes from IKEA, and we all know how much I hate IKEA, and I wanted to install lights inside of it for decoration, as I love lights and because it'll be easier to choose a bottle whenever I'm in need of a tipple. I ventured into an eletrical shop... and fell madly, deeply in love with the Philips Hue. Not only is it potentially multi-colored, it can also be controlled via an app. I mean, how cool isn't that? And since I'm one of these people who are prone to depression during these dark times of year, I can never get enough lights, right?

Sad thing is I want them everywhere now. Lights! Give me more lights!

27Sep/180

Depressed

So I talked to FLETCH today. I met Paige in Dublin earlier this year, and she immediately caught my attention. I saw her as a, you know, confident, straightforward, a little drunk and quite charming girl with a special gleam in her eye. Just the kind of person I usually click with. She came over to say hi, we ended up adding each other on Facebook, and every time we talk I'm left smiling. Anyway. I talked to her today, and she said a few things that made me decide to start writing in English again. I don't think I have many readers left anyway, so why not? And please don't think that my lousy blogger English is representable of my actual English skills, it's just that my mind is all over the place when I write for myself. Oh God, I'm doing it again.

She wrote a blog post about depression, and her post hit me straight in my heart because what do I have to be depressed about? I feel the same way, you know, which is why I slowly stopped writing. I found myself constantly censoring myself without really knowing why, I still don't, I just felt like I couldn't post my thoughts and still expect to be looked upon as... I don't know, a sane person? And hell, why should I care how people see me as long as I'm happy with who I am? Geez, I think this single business is getting to me. Like I told Paige, I feel like I'm split down the middle, like I'm two different people, always arguing with myself. Sense versus emotions. I don't know. Anyway, the joy of writing slowly faded away and left me with superficial posts about things I don't really care about. Instead of pouring my heart onto the screen like I intended to, like I used to, as some weird form of therapy... I ended up not writing anything, just bottling everything up inside. It's not healthy, you know.

As I said, her text hit me hard. Because I knew exactly what she meant. If I'm being completely honest I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from some kind of depression, and have been for a very long time. Some days I'm able to hide it. Other days it feels like my life is crashing down around me. Some days I just cry. Others I don't want to exist anymore, I just wanna be gone. And Paige found the key that I've lost, she's doing stuff for herself, to make herself happy. I'm not anymore. I care too much about others, and it's slowing killing me on the inside.

So thank you, Paige, for being a friend and for being the awesome person that you are.

13Sep/180

Medaljens bakside…

Alle medaljer har en bakside, også medaljen som er BPA. Jeg har skrevet noen innlegg om BPA, om livssituasjonen min og hvordan jeg har det. Jeg har smilt mange smil, og grått mange tårer. Tidvis har det vært så svart rundt meg at jeg ikke har ønsket å leve lenger, selv om jeg aldri har hatt et ønske om å dø. Fem og et halvt år har gått siden jeg ganske ufrivillig ble satt i denne situasjonen, selv om jeg i dag ikke har problemer med å være såpass ærlig at jeg innrømmer at det var det beste utfallet. Tross alt.

Nå sitter jeg her da, og harker på siste rest av en forkjølelse, for 5. gang i år. Fire forkjølelser og én lungebetennelse. Så forbannet unødvendig, og så utrolig krevende. Psyken er ikke der den skal være, ei heller immunforsvaret, og når man da i tillegg skal intervjue og lære opp nye assistenter som ikke forstår alvoret i å komme på jobb med smitte... vel, så blir jeg syk da, og må bruke den lille energien jeg har på å forsøke å bekjempe dødsangst og å bli fort frisk sånn at jeg kan ta opp tråden med intervjuer og opplæring av atter nye assistenter.

Så hva har skjedd siden sist? Tja. Lite. Og mye.

Er det en ting jeg ikke skjønner, så er det mennesker. Og brått husker jeg hvorfor jeg hadde et brennende ønske om å studere psykologi. I en hverdag som min møter man mange mennesker, mange forskjellige mennesker. Noen overrasker en positivt, andre sjokkerer en. Det er så mye jeg ikke forstår! Det kan hende jeg er farget av min egen hverdag, men jeg klarer ikke å skjønne hvordan man som arbeidstaker kan komme inn i et annet menneskes liv, et ukjent menneskes hverdag, uten å være ydmyk. Jeg skjønner heller ikke hvordan man kan sitte med tårer i øynene og fortelle, fra hjertet, at dette er drømmejobben som betyr absolutt alt, men likevel takke ja til et annet jobbtilbud og ikke engang ringe meg for å fortelle det? Jeg skjønner ikke hvordan man, isteden for å jobbe med seg selv og ta til seg opplæring som er så uhyre viktig for at jeg skal ha en så smertefri hverdag som mulig, ikke klarer å ha såpass kroppskontroll at man klarer å ta til seg enkle instruksjoner. Jeg skjønner det bare ikke.

Sa jeg "smertefri hverdag"? Nja.

Dagene går, sommer har blitt til høst. Ute er det mørkt, og det er merkbart kaldere i lufta. Viljen er ikke der lenger. Heller ikke troen på at ting vil ordne seg. Jeg har fått ett slag i trynet for mye til det. Drømmen om Irland svinner sakte hen, for uansett hvor modig og positiv jeg prøver å være, innser jeg egentlig at det er en drøm jeg aldri vil klare å gjennomføre. Jeg har hverken økonomien eller den fysiske muligheten. Det dreper gløden min.

Jeg er en fighter, men jeg vet ikke lenger hva jeg fighter for. En hverdag jeg aldri vil få? En lykke jeg aldri vil oppnå? En drøm jeg aldri vil kunne realisere?